HARLAM POINT OF VIEW
When we met it was clear that Toby knew what he wanted. I wasn't so sure, so we had time off. We said we'd give it a few months and then meet on top of the Empire State Building. You know the movie? Deborah Kerr runs across the street to meet Cary Grant and gets hit by a taxi and is paralyzed. So that's why I told him, 'If I'm not there, come after me.'
I'd been the one who had wanted to take more time, but when I wrote that note to him, I thought, What are you doing? He's the one.
What's amazing about Toby is that he is always trying to improve himself and try new things; he definitely lives by a bucket list'things he has to do.
One of the things he wanted was to see every continent, which we'd done on our travels'all bar Antarctica. This is where Toby and I diverge.
I did not want to sit on a Russian trawler eating bad food for two weeks to get to Antarctica.
It was 1999. We were planning to be in Sydney for the millennium, and I told him I was not going to do Antarctica -- that one he had to do himself. Being tenacious, he found out that Qantas had restarted its low flyover flights of Antarctica in a specially fitted 747.
The plane would lumber along, two or three thousand feet over the camps, and go in a couple of circles, and then fly back to Sydney.
With the aid of some close friends in Sydney, I devised to book the seat next to him. We dropped Toby off at the airport, and right before they closed the door on the plane, I got on and walked down. He was reading or talking to the person next to him, and I said, 'Is this seat taken?'
That trip was torture—16 hours in coach. But Toby checked off a big bucket-list item, and I was there with him. Isn't that what you do for a relationship?
TOBY POINT OF VIEW
It was Valentine's Day, 14 years ago, and I was at a party at a friend's house. After dinner he suggested we head to the Sony Building, where a friend of his was hosting a party with Susanne Bartsch. It was just a full-on party, and in the crush of the crowd, I was introduced to Harlan, who was the host.
We chatted briefly, swapped cards and agreed to get together later. I knew I was really interested in him, but he was going through a separation after a 13-year relationship. I'd been single for about a year, and I didn't want to compromise the healthy place I'd gotten to because my breakup was a painful process -- it takes time. I thought to myself, I don't want to deny Harlan that experience I had in processing my breakup.
So we agreed to go our separate ways for a while, and as corny as it sounds, I said, 'Why don't we do like in An Affair to Remember?
You know, where they meet on the top of the Empire State Building? If you think you want to resume something in an exclusive way, then let's do that.'
He wrote back -- and I carry this e-mail in my wallet to this day; it's dated October 10, 1997 -- and the first thing he writes is...
'Oh, I've seen that movie. If I don't show up, come looking for me.' And then he adds, 'Meeting you is not a chance or a fluke. I truly believe this. So I go off now with more than mixed feelings and oh-so-many happy memories. Whatever the near future brings, I do hope it brings us together. You are one of the most significant things to happen to me in quite a while. I can't tell you how much you helped me in this transition period with much compassion and honesty. Thank you for being such an amazing man. Your Beau, Harlan Ray.'
So I carry that in my wallet as a reminder every day because I think it was meant to be. I don't think there is one soul mate out there, but one has to be willing to be open to the potential.
Harlan is serene in a way that I've never really seen in many people. To me, the definition of a leader is someone people want to follow and Harlan is a leader. And gorgeous.
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